How to Not Marry a Cheater

by Vondie on March 5, 2013

How to Not Marry a Cheater

When it comes to choosing a partner, is there anything you can do steer clear of the cheaters? 

There are no guarantees.

But, here are 5 Things You Can Do to Stack the Odds in Your Favor:

#1 Run Away Away from Your Type

We tend to be attracted to men like our parents, even if we don’t want the same kind of relationship our parents had.  And if there was any infidelity or divorce in your family, it can leave you feeling needy and insecure. But, without realizing it, you might be attracted to men who can’t commit or be faithful. And that just reinforces your insecurity. That’s why it’s important to consider dating guys who aren’t your “type.” 

#2 Remember — If He’s Cheated Before, There’s a Good Chance He’ll Cheat Again 

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, if there is a pattern of infidelity, there’s a good chance that he will cheat again, unless he’s had some serious therapy. Because he hasn’t dealt with the reasons why he can’t be faithful.  Yes, there are always exceptions, especially for the young. But, it’s best to think of yourself as the rule, not the exception,  (Behrendt & Tucillo, 2004).

#3 Go Slow and Really Get to Know Him  

Remember, the first 3-6 months is infatuation, so you don’t want to get too serious before then. It’s like being on drugs in terms of your brain chemistry and hormones. And the anxiety centers in your brain get really quiet so it’s easy to miss the red flags that everyone else can see. (Brizendine, 2006). And don’t get physical right away. Because then you’re bonded to him. And he may not be bonded to you. 

#4 Believe Him — If He Says He’s Not Ready to Get Married

Most men aren’t into marriage the same way women are. Instead, they warm up to the idea as they fall in love with you. They don’t want anyone else to have you. So, they realize they better do something to get you off the market. But, if he doesn’t warm up to the idea  of marriage and you have to rope him into it or give him an ultimatum, that’s not a good sign. It could be that he’s “not the marrying kind” or it could be that he’s not into marrying you. Either one is not so good.

#5 Take Action

We attract people who are as healthy as we are. So, the best insurance against choosing someone who might cheat or leave is to get healthy yourself. This might include counseling, or a 12-step or other support group. Whatever works for you. What’s important is — if you feel valued and valuable, you’ll be able to tell when a man is treating you right and when he’s not. And how he treats you before he marries you is the biggest clue about how the’ll treat you after.  

References:

Behrendt, G & Tucillo, L. (2004). He’s Just Not That Into You. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Brizendine, L. (2006). The Female Brain. New York: Doubleday.

Dr. Vondie LozanoDr. Vonda ("Vondie") Lozano is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Glendora. She offers counseling, hypnosis and meetups to help you find love. She's been featured in Cosmopolitan, the Wall Street Journal and on KABC Talk Radio. Get her *free* ebook, Date, Don't Mate!

Glendora is a Los Angeles suburb in the San Gabriel Valley. Nearby cities include San Dimas, La Verne, and Claremont. Glendora is also accessible from Pasadena, Los Angeles, the Inland Empire and Orange County.


{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Jackie Killam March 5, 2013 at 9:48 am

Don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater. That claim may be high in validity but should not be used as relationship advice…just my opinion. Sorry, but this is not true in every case.

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Dr. Vondie March 5, 2013 at 9:57 am

You’re right Jackie. There are always exceptions. Thanks for pointing that out.

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Leanne B March 5, 2013 at 11:17 am

Not true once a cheater always a cheater… I cheated on my ex husband but that was at the end of our marriage ,he didn’t even acknowledge my exsistance, I was the “cause of everything wrong” in his life blamed me for everything,yelled and screamed all the time. It was never “what kind of mood is he in today” it was “I wonder how angry he is today”. I was looking for someone to just love me for me and I found that, going to marry him in 2 months and I can’t wait. It was a shotgun marriage the first time … this time it’s for love…real love.

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Dr. Vondie March 5, 2013 at 11:25 am

Thank you for sharing, Leanne. Your marriage sounds extremely difficult and even abusive. So glad to hear you finally found love!

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Leanne B March 5, 2013 at 11:47 am

I am too :) but you are right with the you look for someone like a parent. My first husband was alot like my father and as I got older I realised I didn’t want to live like that for the rest of my life.. I looked for someone totally opposite and I found him.

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Dr. Vondie March 5, 2013 at 11:50 am

Good for you! I don’t know if you’ve had a chance to read “My Story” but that was also my experience. I initially married someone just like my dysfunctional family. But, you’re right, life’s too short. And there are great guys out there. So glad you found one!

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