When it comes to choosing a partner, is there anything you can do steer clear of the cheaters?
There are no guarantees.
But, here are 5 Things You Can Do to Stack the Odds in Your Favor:
#1 Run Away Away from Your Type
We tend to be attracted to men like our parents, even if we don’t want the same kind of relationship our parents had. And if there was any infidelity or divorce in your family, it can leave you feeling needy and insecure. But, without realizing it, you might be attracted to men who can’t commit or be faithful. And that just reinforces your insecurity. That’s why it’s important to consider dating guys who aren’t your “type.”
#2 Remember — If He’s Cheated Before, There’s a Good Chance He’ll Cheat Again
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, if there is a pattern of infidelity, there’s a good chance that he will cheat again, unless he’s had some serious therapy. Because he hasn’t dealt with the reasons why he can’t be faithful. Yes, there are always exceptions, especially for the young. But, it’s best to think of yourself as the rule, not the exception, (Behrendt & Tucillo, 2004).
#3 Go Slow and Really Get to Know Him
Remember, the first 3-6 months is infatuation, so you don’t want to get too serious before then. It’s like being on drugs in terms of your brain chemistry and hormones. And the anxiety centers in your brain get really quiet so it’s easy to miss the red flags that everyone else can see. (Brizendine, 2006). And don’t get physical right away. Because then you’re bonded to him. And he may not be bonded to you.
#4 Believe Him — If He Says He’s Not Ready to Get Married
Most men aren’t into marriage the same way women are. Instead, they warm up to the idea as they fall in love with you. They don’t want anyone else to have you. So, they realize they better do something to get you off the market. But, if he doesn’t warm up to the idea of marriage and you have to rope him into it or give him an ultimatum, that’s not a good sign. It could be that he’s “not the marrying kind” or it could be that he’s not into marrying you. Either one is not so good.
#5 Take Action
We attract people who are as healthy as we are. So, the best insurance against choosing someone who might cheat or leave is to get healthy yourself. This might include counseling, or a 12-step or other support group. Whatever works for you. What’s important is — if you feel valued and valuable, you’ll be able to tell when a man is treating you right and when he’s not. And how he treats you before he marries you is the biggest clue about how the’ll treat you after.
Behrendt, G & Tucillo, L. (2004). He’s Just Not That Into You. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Brizendine, L. (2006). The Female Brain. New York: Doubleday.Dr. Vonda ("Vondie") Lozano is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She offers counseling, hypnosis and free workshops to help you have the life and love you really want. She's been featured in Cosmopolitan, the Wall Street Journal and on KABC Talk Radio.
Vondie's been in L.A. for 20 years and now she's in Ventura. Nearby cities include Camarillo, Ojai and Oxnard. Ventura is also accessible from Santa Barbara, Moorpark, Simi Valley, Thousand Oaks, Agoura Hills and Westlake Village.